one time i was tattooing on a girls butt, she was on the table, on her belly, and my left arm was restin across her crack, she slipped a poot, but i kept working…after another minit i felt somthin stuck to my for arm and it was a little bitty turd! ;^/
Clark North ;^)
I tattoo a young man who looks like he spends most of his waking moments in the gym. He came in a while ago for his first tattoo, a tribal armband. He has perfectly manicured hands, eyebrows, and tinted hair styled in a fake mohawk.
He survived the outline, beaded in sweat and humming but did well. I’m packin’ the black as I come to the inside of his arm, he starts to squirm again. His humming becomes louder.
As I’m tattooing him, the squirming gets worse and I tell him. “Hey, if you need to sing, sing. But I need you to hold still.”
He says “really, you don’t mind?”
I laughed and said,” like I care just hold still”
He said ” okay, but can you shut the door?”
Whatever, I shut the door, thinking his voice probably sucks and he doesn’t want anyone to hear. Start tattooing again… and the boy starts to sing.
OMG not only was he a good singer, but he busted out into Aretha Franklin’s “Natural Woman”.
I stopped tattooing and stared at him and told my self “don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh.”
I finished the tattoo, with a straight face ~ barely, as he sang a string of old Motown hits.
He payed me said thanks and asked, “hey, your not going to tell anyone about that singing thing are you?”
I couldn’t help it, I busted up. He started laughing too. ” You have a good voice, don’t worry about it… but I am telling everybody, that’s some funny shit. I won’t tell them who you are, but I am telling everyone.”
He was cool with that and we had a good laugh over it. He’s been back for more since, the last session started with Donna Summers . . .
Ahh this story makes me laugh just thinking about it.
It was a day just like any other day at the Tattoo Shop I was working at. I was Tattooing a woman’s lower back, she had some friends hanging out with her. Everything was going great. She was handling it just fine. I had her sitting up in a chair, leaning forward to help stretch the skin on her lower back. When I finished, I felt her skin go Ice cold. Now most Tattoo Artists know when someone is going to pass out or throw up. what we do is such a personal, and intimate experience for both Artist and Client we just know. So, I put my machine down, leaned forward and grabbed her shoulder to prevent her from falling forward, which basically made her sit on my lap. She says “I am gonna Puke!” so I grabbed the garbage can with my free hand, I didn’t want to let her go, because I didn’t feel like picking up a woman off the floor. Picture this, I’m basically spooning with this woman sitting up, Shes on my lap, leaning forward, I’m leaning forward holding her shoulder. She starts to vomit in the can, and while shes puking, sitting on my lap, starts farting on my leg. The worst part was where my head was. I was leaning forward to hold her in the chair while shes leaning forward yakking, so my face is hovering above the gas! I love my Job, but there are moments that you think WTF?? This poor woman had no Idea she just farted a bunch of times on me..ON ME! While she was tossing her cookies in font of a bunch of folks. She paid, and left. I’m sure embarrassed to a level some don’t get to experience. Here’s a little bit of info, when you fart on someone at least give them a tip!
This is one of my favorite stories to tell. I’m sure if you have a piercer at your shop then he’s just like ours, lacking the attention span to be a tattoo artist, completely highstrung and always obnoxious. Fortunately for me, I have a story I can tell that puts him in his place rather quickly when he’s showing off for costumers.
One day our piercer was outside talking to one of the employees at a neighboring business. When he came in he ran to the back of the shop and after a bit came slowly up to the front counter. He placed his palms down on the counter and kinda hung his head. I asked what was wrong and he replied, “Its gonna be a bad day, I have to go home.” I asked why and finally got it out of him what had happened. He pleaded with the owner to let him go for about 10 min but wouldn’t give up his reason for having to leave. I stepped in and told the owner it was neccessary for our piercer to leave and he gave he ok. As soon as the piercer walked out the door I gathered everyone to watch him get in his car. He kept looking at his car seat kinda worried and the owner finally says, “what the hell is he doing”? At that point anything the piercer confided in telling me walked right out the door with him- HE SHIT HIS PANTS!!!! HE TRIED TO FART ON THAT GUY HE WAS TALKING TO OUTSIDE, AND HE SHIT ALL OVER HIS LEG!! NOW HE’S TRYING TO FIND THE BEST WAY TO SIT IN IT SO HE CAN DRIVE HOME AND SHOWER!
We had a new guy around the shop mopping our floors and whatever, he may have been an apprentice or something like it. We caught him not doing anything and told him he should make a poo dollar- if your not familiar, its exactly what it sounds like. He placed it out by the street and we watched and watched all day and soon forgot about it. The next day we came in and the owner was throwing a fit. His father in law came in town the night before and while they were out for drinks the owner said he didn’t have any cash for a tip. His father in law replied, “Don’t worry about it…” pulled a dollar out of his pocket, “…I found this one outside your shop, looks like some one had spit their tobacco in it, but I just wiped it off.” . . .that apprentice only worked for us for 2 weeks.
we used to do a weekly karaoke night at a local dive bar it was always a good time, hardly anybody would show up so plenty of chances to sing. the bar was owned by a woman that also owned a lesbian bar,so girls would come to sing when there was nothing to do at the gay bar. the dive bar was also a favorite white trash hick hang out. well anyway we would sing fun or silly tunes while the hicks would sing bon jovi and the eagles, the lesbians would sing sappy love songs. well the very next day my afternoon appointment was a mullet rocking woman loving woman and i had to draw the blinds to tattoo her. well my coworker was busy tattooing on the other side of those blinds and we start talking about how fun the night before had been, i said “how bout that mullet man with that fucking mustache singing wanted dead or alive,what an ass!!” my friend replied ” not as bad as that fucking dyke singing all those lame love songs”. well i try to snuff this bad comment with”not even as bad as the hickstache guy he looked like a child molester singing bad rock and he was the worst shit i have seen in a while” my friends response was ” all those dykes need to go back to the dyke bar and stop torturing us with those shitty love songs,they look like sensitive lumberjacks” after that we shut our mouths. i said sorry to the lesbian in the chair she said it was ok but i could tell she was pissed. we finished our tattoos and sent our clients away, i said to my friend ” dude my client was a lesbian!!!” he said “mine was a mustache wearing hick,he wanted to kill you!!!”we both laughed and laughed never to shit talk through blinds again.